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maskedoffender
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Name: Alyssa
Gender: Female
Interests: God. Movies, books, storytelling, web design, the intricacies of the human mind, love.
Expertise: Erm.
Occupation: Student. Woot woot.
Message: message me
AIM:  luinaire
Member Since:
11/17/2006
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| I gave up on Xanga-- luinaire.blogspot.com
wooo, visit my new blog.
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| Food for thought: http://www.gaychristian.net/justins_view.php
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| I've had this problem for my entire life: I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I mean, yeah, I have my dreams: becoming a famous writer and impacting my generation for the better, but seriously, I don't really expect that to happen. There is no career that I can think of that I would actually enjoy. I'm not into the materialism of it all, and to make it worse, I don't feel called to any particular ministry. It's like I have no purpose.
Tonight I figured it all out--or at least, figured out exactly what I would do with my life if I could. As absurd as this sounds, I think I would be happiest without a home. I would love to simply travel the world, making friends and making disciples on my way. Working here or there, just to pay my way to the next place I'll stay at. To me, a capitalist and homeowner by birth, this seems impossible. And, it probably is.
Next summer, not this summer but the next, I will hopefully spend a month in Europe. Hopefully. It will be the whole sleep on benches in Venice and stay in hostels, and only live on what I can carry on my back experience, but I think it will be beautiful and a wonderful learning experience. I can't wait. Part of me wants to completely give up on college and get a job so that I can do this forever. But it won't happen.
On a less than idealistic note, distance sometimes gives you perspective--and sometimes I want to scream.
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|  | Currently Watching
Fight Club (Widescreen Edition)
By Edward Norton, Brad Pitt, Meat Loaf, Helena Bonham Carter, Zach Grenier, Richmond Arquette, David Andrews, George Maguire, Eugenie Bondurant, Christina Cabot, Sydney 'Big Dawg' Colston, Rachel Singer, Christie Cronenweth, Tim De Zarn, Ezra Buzzington, Dierdre Downing-Jackson, Bob Stephenson (II), Charlie Dell, Rob Lanza, David Lee Smith
see related |
So, watching a movie for class, just like reading a book for class, ruins the experience. This is what I find while watching Fight Club. Let's rewind to last Tuesday.
Last Tuesday, inspired by my suite-mate, I put every assignment I needed to get done by that Friday on post-its. I covered the entire back of my laptop (multi-layered) with my assignments (both catch up and do immediately) and slowly but surely threw them away. That Friday I hadn't done quite everything I intended to do, but I finished the essentials (that thursday was awesome, I'll mention it later, I'm sure).
I then spend the weekend both catching up on everything and re-post-it-ing my computer for everything due this week. 10 cups of coffee, two shots of espresso, a Rockstar and a Monster later, I've slowly made my way down to only one layer of post-its. And on Sunday, I spent the entire day getting sick.
So, today, Monday, I had the first hour of untainted-by-caffeine sleep. And it didn't last long. I spent the morning studying for a quiz, and then had class for two hours after that I had the previously noted one hour of sleep. (I've given caffeine up for the moment--I attribute my headache to the enormous amounts of caffeine intake). Now I'm watching fight club so that I can write a world view analysis paper on It and Nihilism.
So, basically, I'm dying and I'm doing nothing but work. And I have nothing but work ahead of me. But I think I'm getting to the point where I've stopped caring. I'm going to try to finish this paper tonight preferably, and finish my informative speech on Teen Challenge tomorrow, spend Wednesday and Thursday practicing for my speech and catching up on everything else. Then Thursday I'm going home and cleaning. Extensively. And Friday I pick up my cousin for a fun-filled week of craziness.
Basically I'm gonna die. No sleep. Death. Doom.
Switchfoot rocks. I went to a concert on Thursday and it was awesome. I'll talk about it in a bit.
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| At times I think that I really know what I want to do with my life. Other times I don't. Right now is one of the not-so-much times. This isn't even what I wanted to talk about. Whatever--I feel like I might be out of my league with my major. In theory I love it to death, but everything is homework. Something that I force myself to do rather than take pleasure in it and I think to myself "well, if it weren't homework, it would be pleasure reading!" but I never do read keats for kicks. And because it's just something I need to get done, I miss entire themes that I wouldn't if I just indulged. I want to right, but I feel inadequate. I've never finished anything. I dunno, I just feel.. doubtful right now.
I highly recommend reading postsecret.com. Immensely addicting, it really gives perspective.
My secret (that isn't really that big a deal, which is why I'm not sending it anonymously):
Sometimes I wonder if my life is all just a delusion.
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